Self-Care Wednesdays


I almost forgot it’s Wed!  When you’re in the hospital all the days run together.

Today’s Cool Video I found on Youtube:

More later!!

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I’m In the Dang Hospital


I’m upset that I haven’t been able to keep up with this blog, but I have been hospitalized since Sat.  I have acquired an infection that moved to my blood.  The doctors are theorizing that this is the result of the egg retrieval procedure I had recently.  Oh yes, you heard me right (read me right).  Now I am in the hospital for the 5th day, still in pain.  How many people do you know who have been in any hospital for 5 days?  I don’t know many.  Apparently this was really serious.  I definitely feel like a freight train hit me.  I’ve never been so sick or in so much pain in my life.

Is it common for egg retrievals be preceded or followed by a round of antibiotics?  I don’t know.  I do know that my husband had a round of antibiotics prescribed to him before the procedure to prevent bacteria contaminating the sperm sample.  Why  I didn’t I have this before or after is a mystery right now.  At the time, I didn’t even question it or think twice.

I’ll write more later, but wanted to post this quick update.  Everyone please keep fingers crossed that I’m out of here soon!!

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Babysitting Last Night


My husband and I babysat last night for a cousin who just moved into town.  The kids are 5 and 3.  It brought home why we’re doing all of this.  It will totally be worth it.  It’s so great when we can spend time with our friends and family.  We really loved being with the kids.  If we love our kids half as much as we love everyone else’s we’re going to be beyond fine.

PS – Bedtime stories are so fun to read to little kids.  My husband got sucked into reading his 5 times.  I laughed my butt off.

Posted in Coping | 2 Comments

New Revelation: I’m Way Too Creative When It Comes to Dreaming Up Catastrophes (DE mentioned)


Last night Gary and I celebrated the 12-yr anniversary of when we met and went out to dinner.  Who wants to take bets on whether or not I started crying at the table, in the French restaurant, in front of the waiter? Anyone…?? No…? I know, I know… it’s too easy.

It all started when I stupidly decided I’ll have a glass of wine.  Now, a glass of wine, to me, equals an exponential extension to the crying episode that I’m already guaranteed.  As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, crying’s my new thing now; so it’s no longer a question of “if,” it’s now a question of “when,” “where” and “how embarrassed will I be” during it. Halfway through my glass of wine it kicks in – I start crying while telling Gary that I’m having a really hard time with this infertility situation.

You see, I’ve lost my mind.  Usually the sane version of me is a very creative person who uses her creativity for good.  Now, since “the News” that I for sure need a Donor Egg, my gifts have been turned to the dark side.  I regularly dream up all sorts of ways that I am sure to never be happy again, or Gary never will, or other endless and assorted catastrophes. Unfortunately, I’ve found the catastrophic possibilities are endless.

So I say to Gary, in the middle of the French restaurant, through tears, “I’m scared I won’t like the kid.”
“What?! Don’t be stupid,” he says, “Of course you’re going to like the kid.”
“What if I don’t?”
“You will.”
“I don’t know, Honey, I’m like really selfish sometimes.” (Now Full-out Whining) “I might not like it if it doesn’t look like me. What if I don’t?!”
“Don’t be ridiculous. You are not selfish.”
“Yes, I aaaaaaammmm…” *sob* “I’m totally narcissistic. What if I can’t tolerate the kid not looking like me? What if we don’t bond?”
“You will bond, and no, you’re not selfish or narcissistic.”
“Yes sir, just ask anyone in my family. I’m horrible.”
“Oh my God,” Gary looks up and asks the divine for help. At this point he should have realized we’ve spun into crazy zone. It would have been wise to end the conversation, but he’s new at this. He has” little-to-none” as far as idea of how nuts I am…
“Honey,” he says, “you are not selfish and of course you’re going to love our baby.”
“What if I don’t? I mean it’s not going to have my toes or anything. It won’t look like me at all.” I whine, “No one will ever have my toes.”
Then Gary made a good argument that broke through the crazy temporarily: “Who the he** ever said the kid was gonna look like you anyway? Look at so-and-so. She totally looks like her dad!” Sanity speckles through the cloud of crazy…
“That’s true.” *sniff*
Enough time passes for me to come up with my next insane, catastrophic possibility…
“Yeah but what if…” *sob* “What if in like 5 years the kid’s being bratty, because that’s what 5 year-olds do, and I’m like, ‘Forget you, kid, I don’t even like you anyway. You don’t even look like me, go away.’ What if I’m like that?”
Gary sighs/laughs and says, “Not possible. You’re gonna love the kid to death.” Then he said the most romantic anniversary sentence ever: “You know you’re out of you’re freaking mind right now, right?”
“Yeah, but I still am worried that it might happen.” *sob*
“Holy cow,” he says, wide eyed.  He paused for what seemed like a really long time, mouth half agape, looking puzzled.  Then the light bulb went off.  I almost saw it over his head.
“Should we get the check?”
“Yesh, please.” *sniff*

He’s right. I am out of my mind right now. You all know that, right? You can’t take anything I’m saying seriously, because I’m off the deep end. Trust me, I’m a professional: I know.  I’ve lost it for yesterday, part of today, and hopefully less of tomorrow.

And so it goes…

Posted in Personal Stories, TTC | 16 Comments

Self-Care Wednesdays


When I was going to acupuncture for infertility, my appointments were on Wednesdays.  I always had to leave the office right at 6 to get there in time.  I would tell people I was going to acupuncture, but I didn’t say why.  I spun it as a self-care practice (it was, actually, now that I think of it) to deal with stress, whatever.

Anyway, the other people in the office adopted “Self-Care Wednesdays” too.   One guy’s ritual is to go to a comic book store (to each his own, right?) each Wednesday, when the new comics come out.  I think one of the people I work with just wants to get out right at 6 (who wouldn’t, right?) so she has Self-care Wednesdays, too. It’s an office joke. No one messes with Self-Care Wednesdays, when everyone literally races to get out of the office.  It’s fun.  Recently I stopped acupuncture, but no one  this knows this.  Self-care Wednesday is preserved.

So I was trying to think of what to blog for today.  There’s a lot going on, but I don’t really want to focus on the bad stuff ALL the time.  I decided that for my blog, from now on, we’ll all have “Self-care Wednesdays,” too.  On Wednesdays, from now on, I’m only going to post things that make me laugh or smile.  Hopefully it’ll work for you, too.  Warning:  I have a warped sense of humor sometimes, so I hope I don’t offend anyone.

Today’s post is one I found about 3-4 years ago.  I literally laughed until my stomach hurt watching this, and so did a woman I worked with at the time.  We would watch it together when we were having a bad day.  I haven’t thought of this in years, so I’m so glad I remembered it.  I just watched it again, and it still works.

Quick background story you’ll need to appreciate this:  A while ago a group of people published their childhood diaries in a book called “Mortified.”  They made a short video to go with one story.  This is an excerpt from the childhood diary of the guy who’s reading it.  Here it is:

Did you laugh?

Posted in Coping, Personal Stories, Self-Care Wednesdays, Super Funny | 2 Comments

Laugh


I was looking around the internet for fertility info and found on a support thread this fun video called “My Aunt Jane Knows More Than My RE.”  I thought I’d share.

I made roughly 3 to 5 million phone calls today to REs and my current doc.  I’m spent.  My doc’s office “didn’t put in the insurance claim” for some reason that is very unclear, and I’m getting the full bill, even though my insurance company has told me they will cover some of the cost.  The office manager says she’ll “get back” to me.  Alrighty, then.  I’ll wait right here.  Looking forward to our next conversation when you’re sure to frustrate the bejesus out of me.  No problem, because I’m not stressed out at all right now and have all the patience in the world.  Don’t you worry your pretty little head.

But I won’t let them take the wind out of my sails!!! (she says with clenched fist waving in front of her.)  Well, not all the wind anyway.  I still have a puff of wind left, dammit!

I ate healthy things today… and meditated.  Feeling better.  Laughing helps.  🙂

Posted in Personal Stories, Super Funny, TTC | 7 Comments

Getting Myself Together


I’m still looking for a donor and I’m still grieving.  I still have a crazy family.  I still have to go to work, though I did take the day off today – I had a clear schedule already because I thought I might be having an embryo implanted.  I still have a bunch of friends who either have newborns or who are pregnant.  I still have a pregnant sister.  I still have a husband who is as devastated as I am.  None of this stuff goes away just because on Friday I received confirmation that I’m unable to have biological children.  None of this goes away just because I want more than anything to stay in bed curled up in a ball until I magically feel better.  So I have to start doing the things I know might help me feel better.

Here’s the plan:

1.  Eat healthy stuff.  – Starting tomorrow 🙂

2.  Sleep enough, and at the right times (ie:  at night, instead of napping during the day like I’ve been doing for the last 2 days).

3.  Stay connected, even though I don’t want to talk to anyone.

4.  Exercise.

5.  Challenge crazy beliefs:  Catch myself when I tell myself that this will never work, I’m a terrible wife and that I’m defective.

6.  Be grateful.  Keep a list of 3 good things that happen each day.

7.  Meditate

8.  Go back to acupuncture

I did exercise today for the first time in about a month.  It felt good.  It was raining on me part of the way, which felt like my stress was getting washed off a little.  Exercise is good.  Did you know that exercise for 15 minutes 3 times a week has the same effects as antidepressant medication?  I won’t lie – it was like pushing a truck up a hill getting me off the couch to go out for a power walk.  I’m so glad I did.  A spotted hawk was on the trail, just standing there.  He let me get so close that I thought he must be injured.  He wasn’t.  He flew away eventually.  He was beautiful.  The feathers on his legs were so thick! They looked like little hawk pants.  I smiled from ear to ear for a long time.  It was one of my good things today.

3 Good Things:

1.  Spotted Hawk pants,

2.  Rain while powerwalking,

3. I got to stay home from work today to get myself together.

4.  I’m getting myself together.

Posted in Coping, TTC | Tagged | 5 Comments