I went to the beach today. I cleaned my house yesterday. I had over a cousin for dinner.  Basically, I’m doing everything and anything but take care of this fertility issue.  I feel paralyzed.  I need to make appts for new RE’s and see who can see me the soonest.  I have to pick a donor.  I have to apply for a loan to pay for the part my insurance won’t cover.  Also, I’ve been avoiding talking to any/everyone.  I have friends who are worried and trying to reach me, people sending me flowers.  I have to get my a$$ in gear.  I don’t want to talk to anyone.  I don’t want to do any of this.  I just want to keep going to the beach.

By the way, the beach was a little strange because I had to give myself a dose of the IV antibiotics while I was there.  It’s a 4 step process, 3 of which involve syringes.  I tried to hide under my beach towel while doing this, but I felt like an addict or something, hiding injections.  It was weird.

I’m just getting by today.  Tomorrow’s another day.  I’ll make a to-do list or something… Yay! …  NOT.

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4 Responses to Paralysis

  1. Louisa says:

    It sounds to me like you are still in crisis mode—I know when I’m in that mode I just want to do not talk to people who know me and might dare to ask me “what’s wrong?”. This to shall pass and you’ll talk and re-focus on your fertility when you are ready, when your house is in order.

  2. Angel says:

    You know what you will get into gear when you are ready, I sit here knowing that I have to do this and that, while doing nothing but thinking about it all. You know what I’ll get into gear when I’m ready and you will do the same when you’re ready .Stop beating your self up, you’ve been through loads.

  3. Lilly says:

    Take it one day at a time… no one said you have to do it all at once. It looks like your to do list is already done… so check that off your list! You are allowed to be alone and absorb and process everything that is going on. Sometimes it just takes quiet time to figure out how to move forward. Often times for me it is during that time that things become more clear for me.

  4. Alexicographer says:

    Yikes. I’ve given myself shots for IVF in a bunch of odd places, but never the beach (and not dealt with a PICC). Good for you for managing that.

    I know you have an October deadline looming but I have to admit I’m a bit puzzled by your desire to move on this donor thing (though of course I realize the repeated delays we IFers deal with in growing our families are, to say the least, dreadful). One of the huge advantages of DE is that it’s not terribly age-sensitive; can you slow this down to a point where you can feel ready to move forward with it? I know your blog just shows us a tiny snapshot of who you are, but so much of what you write reads to me like you really aren’t ready for this yet.

    Whatever rate you decide to move at, and whatever path(s), best wishes for a safe and productive journey.

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