Today is the last day I’ll be out of work. I feel much better physically. I’m glad about that obviously, but the truth is, recovering from this infection has been a huge distraction from my problem with infertility. To be honest, it’s been nice not to have to think about any of that for a while. I haven’t had any time or energy to think about anything but getting better. Now I have to deal with all of this again. I have to find another RE, (probably) a donor and learn how this infection and leftover hematoma will affect my ability to get pregnant.
The biggest thing, though, is that I am scared sh*tless to undergo any other procedures now. I cannot express in words how painful this infection has been. I’ll spare you most of the gory details, but briefly let me just say that I was writhing in pain. I didn’t know what was wrong. I’ve had kidney stones – this was worse. My husband was so scared, and I knew that, so I couldn’t scream when it got really bad. It was terrifying, honestly. My anxiety about this is through the roof.
Aside from the risks of infection and pain that go with the procedures, the risk of another disappointment looms as well. Now that I think of it, I don’t know which is worse. I can’t believe that just occurred to me, but it’s true. The disappointments in all of this have been like little earthquakes, aftershocks and all. Each one knocks me around like a rag doll. I feel like I’m reeling most of the time. So, I really have to work hard at staying positive and not being afraid to keep trying.
My default position historically (before my own therapy and eventually becoming a therapist myself) has been to seek out the bad in things and focus on them. If there isn’t anything that bad, I simply (and quickly) make something up. I’m creative (See previous post “New Revelation: I’m Way too Creative When It Comes to Dreaming Up Catastrophes”), and actually quite good at this. I’ve had to find various things to keep me sane and away from my default position:
My cat helps. He’s a 20-pound, long-haired giant who’s all floppy and lets you hug him and do whatever you want to him. When I hug him and feel him purr on my chest it’s miraculous. Did you know cats purr when they’re happy and when they’re in pain? Some think purring has a healing quality for them. Well it certainly does for me, so I’ll take it.
My husband helps, too. He doesn’t purr, but when he puts his hand on my solar plexus (I know this sounds all earthy-crunchy, just keep reading) it relaxes me. It’s like a little energy infusion. Try it – have someone do that to you – apply strong pressure open-handed to your chest right between your breasts. Now, keep your mind out of the gutter for a second and try it. It’s great. Plus my husband keeps me in check when I’m “getting creative” so that’s just as good as purring, I guess.
You guys all help. Blogging has been great. I’ve “met” so many wonderful women. I didn’t expect this at all, but the support I’ve received from you all is no doubt more helpful to me than this blog is to you, so I thank you for that.
My 3 Good Things for Today: (What Are Yours?)
1. I’m wearing pants that I’ve haven’t worn in years. I’ve lost a few pounds that I’ve been trying to lose for months. Granted, this isn’t the way I wanted to lose weight but whatever, I’ll take what I can get.
2. Fried clams for lunch overlooking the harbor.
3. Remembering that today I am right where I am supposed to be.
So for now, I’m up for it. I’ll brush myself off and keep trying.