Update and Apologies

I’m sorry it’s been so long.  To make a long story short:  I had to go back to the ER…  twice.  They think the antibiotic I’m on is actually making me sick.  I haven’t been able to be at work much yet.  I feel a lot better now, without the antibiotic; and they removed the hellish PICC line yesterday..

Also, I lost my cat of 17 years on Tues.  We had to have her put to sleep.  I am beside myself over it.  I am an absolute mess.  Luckily, I have a lot of supportive people around me, and anyone who knows me knows about my cat.  Everyone’s been really nice.   But it still SUCKS.

Lastly, I met a new RE yesterday.  He was nice.  We see another one next week, so I’ll update you more then.  Sorry for the long absences, I haven’t felt up to blogging.  More later.

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Back to Work

Tomorrow I go back to work for the first time since I have been in the hospital.  I can’t wait.  I’m sort of afraid of my friends asking how I am, but besides that, I’ve missed everyone.  I love my job, so that’s a wonderful thing.  I cut my to-do list entries into smaller, more do-able bites.  Tomorrow I’m going to call 2 docs to see if I can get in faster and that’s all I will do from my list.  The next day I’ll do another small step and so on.  It’s much better that way.  I’m getting back into meditating and will do yoga tonight.  I’m back on track.

See, every day is up and/or down.  It’ll settle down soon, I’m sure.  Today’s a good day.  I’m up for the fight again.  🙂

3 Good Things for Today:

Looking forward to seeing friends tomorrow.

Today was such a beautiful day.

I took a shower without getting my PICC line wet, even though I used my arm to wash my hair.  Yes!

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I went to the beach today. I cleaned my house yesterday. I had over a cousin for dinner.  Basically, I’m doing everything and anything but take care of this fertility issue.  I feel paralyzed.  I need to make appts for new RE’s and see who can see me the soonest.  I have to pick a donor.  I have to apply for a loan to pay for the part my insurance won’t cover.  Also, I’ve been avoiding talking to any/everyone.  I have friends who are worried and trying to reach me, people sending me flowers.  I have to get my a$$ in gear.  I don’t want to talk to anyone.  I don’t want to do any of this.  I just want to keep going to the beach.

By the way, the beach was a little strange because I had to give myself a dose of the IV antibiotics while I was there.  It’s a 4 step process, 3 of which involve syringes.  I tried to hide under my beach towel while doing this, but I felt like an addict or something, hiding injections.  It was weird.

I’m just getting by today.  Tomorrow’s another day.  I’ll make a to-do list or something… Yay! …  NOT.

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Back to Life – Things That Keep Me Sane (Sort of)

Today is the last day I’ll be out of work.  I feel much better physically.  I’m glad about that obviously, but the truth is, recovering from this infection has been a huge distraction from my problem with infertility.  To be honest, it’s been nice not to have to think about any of that for a while.  I haven’t had any time or energy to think about anything but getting better.  Now I have to deal with all of this again.  I have to find another RE, (probably) a donor and learn how this infection and leftover hematoma will affect my ability to get pregnant.

The biggest thing, though, is that I am scared sh*tless to undergo any other procedures now.  I cannot express in words how painful this infection has been.  I’ll spare you most of the gory details, but briefly let me just say that I was writhing in pain.  I didn’t know what was wrong.  I’ve had kidney stones – this was worse.  My husband was so scared, and I knew that, so I couldn’t scream when it got really bad.  It was terrifying, honestly.  My anxiety about this is through the roof.

Aside from the risks of infection and pain that go with the procedures, the risk of another disappointment looms as well.  Now that I think of it, I don’t know which is worse.  I can’t believe that just occurred to me, but it’s true.  The disappointments in all of this have been like little earthquakes, aftershocks and all.  Each one knocks me around like a rag doll.  I feel like I’m reeling most of the time.  So, I really have to work hard at staying positive and not being afraid to keep trying.

My default position historically (before my own therapy and eventually becoming a therapist myself) has been to seek out the bad in things and focus on them.  If there isn’t anything that bad, I simply (and quickly) make something up.  I’m creative (See previous post “New Revelation:  I’m Way too Creative When It Comes to Dreaming Up Catastrophes”), and actually quite good at this.  I’ve had to find various things to keep me sane and away from my default position:

My cat helps. He’s a 20-pound, long-haired giant who’s all floppy and lets you hug him and do whatever you want to him.  When I hug him and feel him purr on my chest it’s miraculous.  Did you know cats purr when they’re happy and when they’re in pain?  Some think purring has a healing quality for them.  Well it certainly does for me, so I’ll take it.

My husband helps, too. He doesn’t purr, but when he puts his hand on my solar plexus (I know this sounds all earthy-crunchy, just keep reading) it relaxes me.  It’s like a little energy infusion.  Try it – have someone do that to you – apply strong pressure open-handed to your chest right between your breasts. Now, keep your mind out of the gutter for a second and try it.  It’s great.  Plus my husband keeps me in check when I’m “getting creative” so that’s just as good as purring, I guess.

You guys all help. Blogging has been great.  I’ve “met” so many wonderful women.  I didn’t expect this at all, but the support I’ve received from you all is no doubt more helpful to me than this blog is to you, so I thank you for that.

Gratitude helps.

My 3 Good Things for Today: (What Are Yours?)

1.  I’m wearing pants that I’ve haven’t worn in years.  I’ve lost a few pounds that I’ve been trying to lose for months.  Granted, this isn’t the way I wanted to lose weight but whatever,  I’ll take what I can get.

2.  Fried clams for lunch overlooking the harbor.

3. Remembering that today I am right where I am supposed to be.

So for now, I’m up for it.  I’ll brush myself off and keep trying.

Posted in Coping, Personal Stories | 3 Comments

Self-Care Wednesday!

Today’s video is an example of what one tiny little thing can do to make your day.  I loved this idea:  giving high-fives to people on their way to work.  Improve Everywhere is the name of this group that goes around NYC and does things to make a scene.  This was a nice one.  It’s only 2-3 minutes long.  The link below is more information they provided about the event that wasn’t in the video, in case you’re curious.


Yesterday’s meeting with the new RE was a bust.  We went to the wrong office, so we missed it.  This was completely my fault.  I guess I’m still a little out of it.  So we have to wait some more, which made me cry, of course.  I’m trying really hard not to get discouraged.  Gary is sure (or so he says) we’re going to be fine, so I’m taking his word for it for now and hanging onto him tight.  I’m so afraid that I’ll never have a family.  I’m afraid I’ll never feel better from this bacteremia nightmare.  I’m trying not to be afraid, but I am afraid.

Posted in Personal Stories, Self-Care Wednesdays | 2 Comments

I’m Finally Home – You’re Not Going to Believe This

I was discharged from the hospital Sunday with a PICC line.  For those of you who don’t know what that is (I sure didn’t), it is a catheter that goes into my arm, through my vein to my heart.  I have to administer IV antibiotics 3x/day for 4 weeks through this thing.  I have visiting nurses come weekly to take blood, change the dressing and make sure I’m doing ok.  Apparently, what happened is, the doc went in vaginally with a needle to access my ovaries.  Something was punctured and I bled into my pelvis.  The blood gathered there in a blood clot which bacteria easily got stuck onto and grew great, because I guess blood is a good medium for bacteria.  The infection went to my bloodstream, and I was in excruciating pain with 103 fever and the sickest I’ve ever been in my life.  Can you believe this?  You think you’re going in for a simple egg retrieval and you end up deathly ill in the hospital for 9 days with a bacterial infection in your blood.  Then you have to give yourself IV antibiotics 3 times a day.  I can’t take it.  I feel like crap.  The worst thing:  I have no idea what this means as far as being able to get pregnant after this.

I’m going to see another RE in the area today.  I am NOT going back to my other doctor, obviously.  I’m really afraid of what this new doc will say.  I hope I can keep trying to have a baby, but I’m really sick right now.  I only have until October to do a donor cycle, and it probably won’t be until close to then before I’m off of this PICC line.   – By the way, this PICC line situation is completely freaking me out.  It was a bacterial infection in my blood that caused me to become so ill.  Now you’re sending me home with a hole in my arm and a tube with direct access to my bloodstream?  Holy anxiety attack.  I had to be medicated for them to put this thing in, I was so anxious.  Now every time I have to do it I get dizzy and anxious.  It’s horrible.  I hope, hope, hope the new doc will say I can still go ahead and try to get pregnant.  I can’t believe this is happening.  The past couple of weeks seem like a blurry bad dream.  The positive in all of this is that my husband and I have become closer every day during this craziness.  Just when I thought I couldn’t love him any more, I do.  In that respect, I’m the luckiest woman ever.

Posted in IVF, Personal Stories | 4 Comments

I’m Still In Hospital

I’m still here. Supposed to be dc’d tomorrow.  I guess it was pretty serious.  More later, when I’m home.

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